For most of my life, I have allowed my ego to determine whom and what I am. With apparently very good cause and justification, I took on the role of the victim a lot of the time. Having grown up in Northern Ireland in the 1970’s 80’s & 90’s, seen a lot of things I believe no conscious being should ever have to witness, experienced childhood abuse, a lot of school ground bullying and have been constantly criticised by my family of origin since I can remember, I believed I had earned my “right” to blame the victim card and assert my demands on society, that I be compensated for those experiences.
For years, I tried to escape everything that had happened through alcohol and drug addiction, but the relief gained was only ever temporary and eventually the consequences no longer justified the temporary gains, so on 26th August 2002 I made a conscious decision not to put another alcoholic drink or drug into my body and by the will of something more powerful and worthy than I believed myself to be at the time, I have remained free of street drugs and alcohol ever since. At the age of sixteen I made the first of many attempts to take my own life, believing all the messages I had been given since forever about being “as useless as tits on a boar”, “will never amount to anything”, “do not have two brain cells to rub together”and all the other equally vile and I now know untrue messages about myself that I was given.
When I got clean from the narcotics and alcohol, I believed the messages that the so called professionals were giving me about having a psychiatric illness and willingly accepted the “medications” they offered, none of which ever made me feel any better about myself and on many occasions, were part of the lethal cocktail of drugs I took on the many times I had decided that life was no longer worth living. Through many years of on/off psychotherapy, I began to build some confidence and belief in myself and eventually came to realise that NONE of the messages I had been given, nor the experiences I had had defined me and who I truly am, let alone having any form of relationship or resemblance with truth. Yet it was only when I decided to stop relying on others to take care of me and define who I am, when I decided to take responsibility for me that I came to know who I truly am and it was not any of the experiences I have had in life, all of which had happened a long time ago and it was only me that was continuing to re-create them in my own reality.
I now know that at a higher level of consciousness, I choose all of the experiences I was to have in this lifetime before even coming into this body, so therefore I cannot possibly be a victim, despite what my ego keeps telling me. I choose the individual members of my family of origin, to grow up in a war torn province and to have the experiences that I have lived so that I may come to know who I truly am. Therefore it is irrational of me to curse and condemn those who provided the experiences I had chosen at a higher level of consciousness before coming into this body. All of those who came into my path gave me exactly what I had chosen, therefore there is nothing to forgive. In fact, I love , bless and thank them for all that they have taught me about who I truly am, a spiritual being, creating a human experience and when I don’t like what I am experiencing, I am ALWAYS free to create something else.
So rather than get angry, ( which only ever hurts myself) criticise, judge or condemn any of those whom have brought me my life experiences, I bless them and say thank you for all that you have taught me. I am someone who does not believe in violence, so in childhood, I had the experience of violence so that I may reaffirm my belief. I am someone who believes I do not have the right to judge and criticise others, therefore on my life path, I have had the experience of others judging and criticising me, in order to reaffirm my belief. I do not believe in psychiatric medicine, therefore I have had the experience of taking it, in order to reaffirm my belief. I believe that my body is a temple and I alone am responsible for what I put in it, therefore I have had the experience of putting unhelpful substances into my body in order to reaffirm my belief.
Although for many years I have tried to be, I now realise that I am not the life experiences I have created, but rather a divine being, who choose and created those experiences at a higher level of consciousness, so that I may know who I truly am and that I believe, is the purpose of all of life.
Rather than fight against what you do not believe in, as a very wise man whom achieved what once must have seemed impossible said: “Be the change you want to see in the world”. Gandhi